My own personal journey through Grace

^{II Corinthians  5:21}For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him

Romans 5: ¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: ²By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Ephesians 2: ⁸For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: ⁹Not of works, lest any man should boast. ¹⁰For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

II Corinthians 3:  ¹⁷Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.

 

I begin this story with great trepidation; because the subject can so easily be  misunderstood.  I pray that God guide each word that you might understand.  It is very difficult to openly deal with my own failures.  If I reveal the truth of my past will others judge me and then “not like me” because of my imperfections.   If I speak earnestly about the differences between grace and legalism, will some misunderstand and thereby lose their way?  Yet, Paul the apostle, also dealt with the same fear as he carefully and cautiously wrote the book of Romans.  For this entire week, I have been burdened with the desire to write this for you; yet, my own inadequacy to explain it looms before me. 

I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 5 years old.  Immediately, I began to search and learn scriptures, seeking Him before all else.  Despite my knowing that the truth is that salvation is by grace alone, I continually felt that I needed to work very hard to earn His favor.  This was a mirror of how I believed about the world as well.  I believed, deep within me, that I was not good enough to be loved.  What was the reason a small child believed this?  I cannot say.  I only knew I constantly worked hard to be accepted and loved by those whom I met and I constantly worked hard to hopefully be loved by God.  Although I knew the scripture which was that salvation was by grace, I still believed that favor was earned and that God stood with a lightening bolt to strike me with whenever I failed.  If I could only work a little harder, maybe He could bless me.  Well, God had a lot to work before Him to undo all of this fear and guilt; yet, His Love was so great that He patiently went about the transforming work in my life.

I would go through seasons of what seemed to be successful; yet, this always was followed by my tumbling forward and my failure would once more loom before me.  How could it be that I was seeking Him and wanting to please Him  and still failing to get it right?  The area in which this was most evident was in relationships.  My entire life I had been taught by my mother that the only thing honorable for a woman was to be wife and mother.  In other words, God would not bless me unless I could get this right; as though, this would be the symbol of God’s love for me.  Perhaps that is why this was where I was consumed with the pursuit of someone to love me as proof of God’s love for me.  I got married at age 16 more to try to please my mother than for any other thing.  That began a  spiraling road of great sorrow and failure.  By age 23, despite my desperately trying to get it right, wanting to honor God—I was twice divorced and believed that God could never forgive me this.  I never questioned my salvation, I merely questioned my ability to be used of God for anything meaningful.  Then I married Pete and I worked extremely hard to gain his love so that I might thereby gain favor with God.  I was with him until his death through some very tough trials that forced me to learn to lean on God for everything and amazingly I began to learn that God’s love for me was unconditional.  It did not depend on me, it depended on Him.   He had chosen me to be His child.  He had formed me uniquely His from my mother’s womb.  He knew that He would love me.  About two years after Pete’s death, I again married this time with great hope that God was finally going to reward me for my faithfulness.  How devastating it was to discover that this man only wanted my money and when it was gone and I was facing cancer, he continued to count how much money he would have when I died.  Beyond this, he despised my precious children for their Hispanic heritage; a thing he hid before the marriage.  I had told him before I married him that one thing he would not do is ever interfere with my children; so, once more divorced, recovering from cancer and post total colectomy for ulcerative colitis—once more I was divorced.  The only thing was what money I had was now gone; but God provided each step of the way what I needed for the moment.  Many well meaning Christians, including Mom, constantly reminded me that all my trials were a result of my sin.  I kept studying scripture and began to stand up and declare “No, that is not true”   Christ had died for my sin and the price was paid there on Calvary—once and for all—never to entrap me again in it’s condemnation.   Twice more, I with great hope dated again and twice more my heart was broken.  Then, with great sadness I laid down the dream.   For about six months, I was so broken hearted that I could not seem to overcome the sorrow.  Finally, one day I looked into heaven and cried, “My time is in Your hands”  My time for sorrow, my time for joy, my time for illness and my time for wellness—all is in Your hands Lord.  Amazing, what He has done since—my only hope and joy is in Him.   It is me and God—He is all I need. 

If you remember Christ as He approached Simon Peter before he denied Him and said as recorded in Luke 22:³¹And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat: ³²But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

God does not ordain our sin; yet, sometimes He allows Satan to sift us that we might grow up to be more like Him.  All the chafe and false hood must be removed that we may become a true testimony of the truth.  The amazing thing, His grace and mercy is so great that He brought good even out of my failure.  How could I not savor and long for His presence above all else?  The more I savor Him, the more my life is transformed to display His glory to the rest of the world.  Not from the outside in am I transformed; it is from the inside out.  It is His work, not mine.  The more I recognize the very depth of His Love, the more I revel in His Joy; His peace, and find I want to shout forth to the rest of the world of His mercy.  If you don’t know Him, please come just as you are to seek this free gift of love.  The true gift is His presence in you and with you.  Nothing else matters so much.  Nothing else fulfills that void in your life. 

Now perhaps you understand this poem which I wrote, Lord, let me see me through Your eyes as is presented in this video.