My own personal journey through Grace

^{Psalm 51: 16}For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 34

¹⁷The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

¹⁸The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

¹⁹Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

       Why would a God of love desire our sacrifice to be that of a broken spirit and a broken heart.  Too often we reach out to desire only comfort. “ Let my Christian life be only joy, “ we cry.    Or sometimes I stand on the promises of God desiring their fulfillment now; forgetting that this world is not my home and the promises become fully realized only after we reach our eternal home.  While here on this earth we see only the glimpses of His full Glory and glimpses of what are to be ours.  He never promised us this world would be a comfortable and easy place—quite the contrary, He promised that we would have great sorrows, trials, and afflictions.  Yet, He promised to be with us, to comfort and to guide us each step of the way.  Still what does it mean that “the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart.”  Like a wild mustang’s spirit must be broken, could it be that there is a spirit within me that must also be broken into His will?  With every part of my being I would wish to say,  “No, I adore Him and love Him and seek Him only.  After all, I have walked this Christian walk long enough, I should be getting it right by now.”

What did I just say?  “I have walked”  “I should be getting it right”   It would appear that I have fallen victim once more to pride’s calling.  The I’s get in the way of God’s fulfillment of His purpose every time.  Whenever things start going too well and I am surrounded by great blessings and achievements, pride begins to slip in and I become too comfortable in it—as though I could do anything for Christ. Or perhaps at times after making what I see as great sacrifices for Him I stand believing that He will miraculously reward my effort, as though He owed me anything.  “Another point of pride”.  Of this, let me give you three  examples.  Last year, with great love for Him, I published my book of poetry and throughout the last year I have given away so many copies to help people when they are hurting.  Deep down, hidden in the recesses of my heart, I believed that God would sell enough copies to at least cover the costs or even bless me in some way.  He chose not to; and, despite my saying that is ok He will do as He will with the work for it is His.  There, in the hidden recesses of my heart there lingers that area which pouts and falls back into feeling maybe I am just not good enough for His love.   The same lie that Satan has used against me to squash whatever ministry God wanted to accomplish through me.  So there it is I waiver between a sense of great pride and a sense of great defeat and failure in this life.  I have also given away a lot of money for Christ and in His name throughout the years and am still waiting for the baskets to overflow—or is it all for Christ or part of it is so people will think me a great Christian?  Does pride play in this too.  Another confession of pride occurred recently which pulled at my peace.  During the time period that I was struggling through the things of my past with mom so that I could better care for her, I talked to a believed to be friend regarding some of the things of the past ,  they betrayed me and to try to look better themselves told mom what I said but with a twist to make the teller seem of greater importance  for the telling of the tale—only harming the situation as talebearers always do.  Then I felt angry, betrayed and even jealous that mom would take them over me when they had been only briefly there and I had sacrificed my very life, health and being to provide for her.  Ok, once more allowing Satan in to control and destroy what God is building—once more a form of pride and selfish desire.  Was it that I wanted to be rewarded by devotion for my sacrifices, to be noticed by mom instead of criticized and passed over.  Was this not also pride?  If doing good comes with the reward on this earth, then is there left any reward in heaven?  Should I not do that which is right by allowing the love of Christ to flow through me and expect no reward for that—only then have I fully arrived into Christ likeness.

Is there any hope for such a one as I?  Why should you come back to read anything that I have to say, if I can only get it wrong after all these years?  Perhaps it is this, I stand as a reminder, as Paul the apostle  Romans 7:

¹⁴For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

¹⁵For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

¹⁶If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.

¹⁷Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

¹⁸For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.

¹⁹For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

²⁰Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

²¹I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

²²For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:

²³But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

²⁴O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

²⁵I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

 

So, do I give up, throw up my hands in defeat?  No, that is when with broken spirit (laying aside my pride)  I submit to His will whatever that might be.  That is when I continue to war against sin by looking upon Christ’s face of Glory.  When I look upon His face of Love, who died to cover all my sins, all my pride, all my guilt that He might give me His Righteousness and His Glory—then my heart becomes broken for Him.  I then reach up my hand to take His outstretched hand.  It is so amazing the great love He has for me and you.   When I fail Him and I lay prostrate before Him with great sorrow and brokenness of spirit for my failure, He looks down upon me through the blood of Christ and says “What sin, my child?  I don’t see any.  Here take my hand.  Get up.  Let’s go. We have things to do”  And on down life’s journey we walk hand in hand.  He knows how fragile I am and yet He chose me.  That is His amazing love for me. He has the same for you-so don’t wallow there in either your pride or your guilt.    Perhaps I will end with this from the apostle Paul,  2 Corinthians 4:

⁶For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

⁷But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

⁸We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

⁹Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

¹⁰Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

 

May I lay myself aside and may His words bless your soul today. 

Love,  Effie Darlene Barba