My own personal journey through Grace

Romans 8:

¹⁷And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

¹⁸For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

¹⁹For the earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God

 

On August 2nd, I was admitted to the hospital for surgery.  The two weeks prior, I had been searching in prayer for that since of hope that for the most part was a part of my life; yet, there had been a sense of foreboding and my time was spent with the overwhelming sense that  I wanted to spend all my hours resting in the arms of my savior in prayer and bible study.  Alas I was working what was a 26 day stretch with no relief before surgery.  I knew that my abdominal wall was scarred with multiple hernias as a result of so many other surgeries and that intermittently I had brief episodes of obstructions as the intestines tried to work their way through the obstacle course.  So, I had a co-worker drop me off at the front as they themselves went in to work and I waited my turn for surgery.  Everything had been completed, the house was full of groceries, all instructions were given to everyone at work under my charge and Zak was ready to do whatever needed for mom.   It was welcome relief when they gave me the injections preoperatively that were like a sweet bliss to leave all thought behind and to move forward with what must be done.   After all I was strong and this time not facing some life and death situation as usually was the case.   When, I awakened, I was in severe pain which became the truth of my life for the next week.  The pain was as severe as it had been with the 13 hour surgery  when I had the mastectomy.  Indeed, it seemed worse as the week wore on than the previous as it seemed relentless in the persistence of pain’s severity with muscle spasms.  I wondered at the severity of pain and if in part it was worse secondary to the weariness of an already aging, deteriorating body.  After all the other surgery had been 12 years and many  nights of trial ago.  Particularly, on the day after surgery, my IV failed and I was without pain medications for about 5 to 6 hours—by this time I was in severe pain with such tremendous muscle spasms surrounding my ribcage that I could not so much as move.    I remember tears rolling down my cheeks; but the special IV team came and got the IV started due to the intervention of a very special caring doctor  who called to place me high priority (such acts of mercy and grace in the midst of all)  I forced myself out of bed to walk the circles around the nurses stations on many hours of the day and night.   Some how I felt myself a failure not to be able to deal with this with greater of a smile.  (I really saw myself as pretty wimpy)   Despite my feeling myself a failure I had beautiful gentle caring nurses who constantly told me how brave and strong I was. The pain was so severe that I developed rapid cardiac arrhythmias and high blood pressure in addition to tremors.   I remember one night asking God “WHY?” this depth of pain?  The worst of the pain seems to come from lower ribcage where everything had to be attached.  My thoughts began to wander that night and I realized that  the pain I was now feeling was only minor compared to the pain that Christ had felt on the road to Calvary.    Mine was two rib areas; yet, He had been beaten such as to have every rib area torn and shredded with a pain unimaginable.  I had pain meds and He had none.  Finally, that night I prayed, :God for whatever time you wish this pain to continue, let it.  Help me to keep my eyes only on you Lord.    On Sunday, I began retching and vomiting suddenly and required a  tube to pass from my nose to my stomach to drain out the liquids and air until the gut could awaken fully from it’s stupor and start working.  Throughout the time in the hospital, God sent so many moments of mercy and grace to keep me looking ever forward toward hope which is God’s Glory.   Let me quote from Charles Surgeons’ morning devotional for August 12 (would be ironic were it not for the fact that God is truly sovereign to have me come home and write this blog on August 12)

 

 

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Spurgeon’s Morning & Evening – August 12

——————————– Morning Devotional

"The Lord reigneth, let the earth rejoice." – Psalm 97:1

Causes for disquietude there are none so long as this blessed sentence is true. On earth the Lord’s power as readily controls the rage of the wicked as the rage of the sea; his love as easily refreshes the poor with mercy as the earth with showers. Majesty gleams in flashes of fire amid the tempest’s horrors, and the glory of the Lord is seen in its grandeur in the fall of empires, and the crash of thrones. In all our conflicts and tribulations, we may behold the hand of the divine King.

"God is God; he sees and hears All our troubles, all our tears. Soul, forget not, ‘mid thy pains, God o’er all for ever reigns."

In hell, evil spirits own, with misery, his undoubted supremacy. When permitted to roam abroad, it is with a chain at their heel; the bit is in the mouth of behemoth, and the hook in the jaws of leviathan. Death’s darts are under the Lord’s lock, and the grave’s prisons have divine power as their warder. The terrible vengeance of the Judge of all the earth makes fiends cower down and tremble, even as dogs in the kennel fear the hunter’s whip.

"Fear not death, nor Satan’s thrusts, God defends who in him trusts; Soul, remember, in thy pains, God o’er all for ever reigns."

In heaven none doubt the sovereignty of the King Eternal, but all fall on their faces to do him homage. Angels are his courtiers, the redeemed his favourites, and all delight to serve him day and night. May we soon reach the city of the great King!

"For this life’s long night of sadness He will give us peace and gladness. Soul, remember, in thy pains, God o’er all for ever reigns."

 

I needed a reminder of the truth,  there is no pain too great to bear for the salvation of one soul and if my pain could lead one to Christ then it is worth it all.   It was also a reminder of Christ bore for me. 

Love, Effie Darlene Barba